Make up was probably my first true love. Make up or Gareth Gates, I’m not really sure which came first. There’s something so magical about it. The sleek packaging, how tiny every separate piece is and the endless possibilities it can lead to. The way that dogs feel when you take a tennis ball out of your pocket, that’s how I feel about make up.
However when my depression started my relationship with my slightly out of control lip-gloss collection became slightly muddled. At my worst even the idea of make up sent me into a tizzy. I could barely look at my face in the mirror let alone spend any time trying to make it look any nicer. My body image issues were already so bad that the thought of spending any amount of time actually focusing on my face felt like it was just going to make it worse.
After about 6 months of barefaced living I was starting to feel a tiny bit better and I began to fill my still sleepless nights with YouTube videos. I want to do whole post on the world that is YouTube and Youtubers because I think it is a truly extraordinary thing but if you’re not already familiar with it then I highly recommend Zoella, Tanya Burr and Louise (sprinkleofglitter). That was where I started anyway and after months of avoiding my mirror in the same way that most people avoid Piers Morgan, these girls began to change the way I was thinking.
Hearing them talk about mascara and moisturizers and eye shadow, as silly as it sounds, reminded me how much joy these things used to bring me. In my head make up had become something bad, all about vanity and trying to impress other people, and seeing as how I had very few people in my life at that time it seemed pointless to engage with a world that was all about looking good on the outside.
But as I watched more videos and began to dip my toe back into my makeup stash I started to realize something quite different. For me, make up has nothing to do with other people. And now, when I put my make up on, it feels like one of the most loving things I can do to myself. I’m not rejecting the way I naturally look, or trying to cover anything up, I’m just using the tools I have to enhance the things I already (sometimes) like about myself. It’s like when superman puts on his cape, he’s still superman without the cape, but the cape shows the world just how awesome he really is. Make up’s a way to express yourself, it’s a way to show yourself that actually you have really beautiful eyes, or an amazing smile, and if it takes a slash of eyeliner or a bright orange lip to make you believe that then it’s definitely worth it. There’s a quote in Castle (which is an amazing TV show by the way) that says ‘Make up makes us look beautiful to ourselves. That's what makes us look beautiful to others.’ And I couldn’t agree more
So my love affair with make up is back on (think of us as Ross and Rachel post break). And I might start talking about it more on this blog, because when it comes to make up I have a lot to say. But for now here’s what’s in my make up bag at the moment, and yes, it’s all very dirty, because I’m a person, and I actually use it.
Have a lovely day,